In a move that is sending shockwaves through the city, officials have announced a “Cheesesteak Sustainability Tax” in response to an impending national beef shortage.

A beefy cheesesteak tax comes to Philly

The decision, aimed at curbing excessive cheesesteak consumption, will add a $1.50 surcharge to every cheesesteak sold within city limits.

“Philadelphia consumes more cheesesteaks per capita than any other place in the world,” said City Council spokesperson Marty Dellucci at a press conference Monday. “With beef supplies tightening, we need to take proactive steps to ensure everyone has access to what little steak remains.”

The crisis stems from a combination of factors, including rising cattle feed costs, unpredictable weather patterns, and a surge in international demand.

Economists warn that without intervention, cheesesteak availability could plummet by 40% within the next year.

Local steak shop owners are reeling from the announcement.

“First, they came for the plastic straws. Now, they’re coming for the cheesesteaks,” lamented the owner of one famous South Philly jawn who chose to remain anonymous. He continued:

“What’s next? A tax on Whiz? A surcharge for ‘wit’ onions?”

City officials argue that the measure is necessary to slow consumption and fund alternative protein research.

“If we don’t act now, Philadelphians will be fighting over the last ribeye like it’s a Black Friday flat-screen TV,” Dellucci added.

In response, underground cheesesteak operations have already begun forming, with reports of clandestine sandwich deals happening in South Philly alleyways.

One anonymous dealer hinted at a new black-market economy:

“Forget gold—Wagyu is the new currency.”

For now, Philadelphians must brace for leaner times—and possibly, leaner steaks.

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APRIL FOOLS 🤣

don’t ruin it for others